An interview with burnout

In a recent interview with Suzanne (not her real name), I learnt more about an individual’s experience with stress and burnout.

So, what happened?

I worked at my company for around 10 years and enjoyed it; it was always quite stressful but I enjoyed the work and got on with my colleagues. I felt fulfilled with my work and felt that I’d found my place where I’d be happy to spend a good many years working.

A position came up for a fixed period of time that would offer an opportunity to experience a slightly different area of the job and gain insight into if I’d like to develop further in that area of the company. The role had legal oversight aspects to it but that didn’t faze me as I’d always felt that I could rise to any challenge.

I was successful in landing the role and due to the permanent employee being around for a while, there was opportunity for a solid handover. This is where things started to unravel…

The permanent employee had no interest in providing a handover, formal or otherwise. After a few attempts to engage with her, I decided to escalate the issue my line manager…and here things unravelled a bit more.

My new line manager wasn’t in favour of a handover and felt that it wasn’t necessary, so I went to their line manager, essentially as far as I could escalate the matter and here things unravelled completely as I was told that the top person also didn’t feel that a formal handover, for this legally-overseen position, was needed.

In a very short space of time, I’d been shown that there would be no handover and clearly no support.

In my head, the opportunity was still worth going ahead with for my professional growth and future opportunities, so I persevered. Looking back on this as we’re talking, this is where I should have walked away and until now, I don’t think that I’ve seen it so clearly.

My workload spiralled, I came into work earlier and earlier, worked until later and later to try and keep all the plates spinning. I knew that I was capable and that the job mattered to me, so I ploughed on. Wow, I’m starting to see how many moments there were when I could have walked away, and should have walked away – hindsight is so clear!

In my head, I was capable, I’d never failed at anything before so why should I fail now? I wonder now who I was trying to prove it all to.

The job took a turn as inconsistencies of work of the permanent member of staff were discovered and then I was up against it to get the errors corrected whilst still keeping all the existing plates spinning – and still I kept going. Looking at it now, I have no idea why I kept going when the workload kept increasing, but still no support was being given by those who could have helped further up the tree. I was willing to give everything but for what?

Two important factors then happened, I started getting health issues and I got COVID. Everything stopped, I couldn’t go to work and had to stay home (this was still at the time of the easing of COVID measures).

I spoke with a member of my GP surgery as part of a phone appointment, I don’t even remember specifically what I called them about, but she asked me if I was okay and something happened that I didn’t see coming… I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t answer her simple question as I was just crying so much… but I still didn’t know why! It just hadn’t clicked into place for me yet. We talked for a while and scheduled another appointment and the same thing happened – uncontrollable crying.

With the help of my husband and my family, I started to untangle everything that had been going on and how that had landed me in a place where I felt like a different person.

At work, I finally relinquished the new role and asked to go back to my original role which was agreed. I hated and regretted that I had ever taken on the new role; I felt like it had cost me everything.

So, what was burnout like?

During my recovery from burnout, I pushed so many people away; most have never come back into my life which saddens me but also makes me realise that my support network wasn’t right.

It was like I’d lost myself and everything that I knew and liked about me. I wasn’t the same person; I couldn’t see anything good in anything that was happening in my life.

Simple pleasures were now grating on me. I stopped laughing, or even smiling. I couldn’t read as I just couldn’t concentrate. I was tired all the time and didn’t want to leave the house.

How are things now?

I’m not the same person as I was before. Looking at how many red flags I ignored, I honestly don’t see that as a bad thing. I don’t see work and the ‘benefits’ that I get from it in the same way anymore. Work is a simple transaction now, not something that I would put before me and my well-being. I was raised to always do my best, to go above and beyond, to climb the ladder but it all just seems so unimportant now. I’m important and life is about living and not dedicating everything to work. Yes, my ambition has gone, but I feel so much happier and better for it going.

I wish that I’d had a better line manager and boss, but ultimately, I wish that I’d looked after myself better than I did. I’ll never make that mistake again.

Burnout broke the old me, but the new me is happy to be here with a mindset that sees life as more important than work and I’m happy for that.

Where to go for help

Mental Health UK - https://mentalhealth-uk.org/burnout/

NHS – Every Mind Matters - https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-health-issues/stress/

Help Guide.org - https://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/burnout-prevention-and-recovery.htm

Health Line - https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/burnout-recovery

Mayo Clinic - https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/burnout/art-20046642